It's Not A Love Story

I'm currently listening to this song on repeat ("It's Not A Love Story" from the musical revue Tales From The Bad Year) and wow....
It's funny, I first heard this song when a friend of mine sang it for our choir class to practice before a solo competition. It was absolutely amazing, which was no surprise; Ivy's amazing. My friend Aleia started crying (the song's about a couple moving from high school to college and their relationship's decay; as a senior in a relationship that is planning to try and continue she was obviously touched). However, I also found myself crying, at that time thinking of my maternal grandmother who had died a week or so prior. The lyrics aren't particularly reminiscent of my relationship with my grandma, but it was a bittersweet song about loss and I was an emotional wreck, of course I cried.
Now, though, I'm sitting in bed dry-eyed and listening to my fifth YouTube version of the night. I can't stop thinking about Melanie. I'm seeing her tomorrow at the GSAFE conference for the first time since before we broke up and it's going to be very, very weird. Last time we were physically together was Halloween, and we spent most of the time cuddling and kissing. We broke up over Facebook. I literally have no idea what my feelings for her are. That's not entirely true: I don't love her anymore. I miss what we had, but I don't miss her. I miss the love and safety and desirability I felt when we were together, but we both changed (mostly her to be honest), and now we're much less compatible, and that's okay. It was only two and a half months. Still, I'm nervous for seeing her tomorrow. Probably all the LTI folks are going to be hanging out, and the pairs of exes are all going to be a bit awkward, but we were the longest lasting couple and I think the deepest connected. So it'll be hard.

You say goodbye, but do you really know it's over?
You say goodbye, but do you comprehend it?
You go along, thinking that things like this never change.
Ad then they go and change.

It's not a love story.
It's not a coming of age.
It's not the kind of thing you put into a play.
it's just a small story,
just two friends all grown up.
It happens -
it happens - 
it happens one day.

Districts!!

I heart my 4N6 team (:

Anna and I making faces, because why not?

Seric being the cuties they always are

Running and Vanity

I went for the most amazing run yesterday but I'm sort of feeling it now... My knees ache, and hips and abs a bit. But it felt really good to move and to feel the sun and such. I can't wait for the Big Thaw. (It's snowing again today.)
I'm all dressed up today for tonight's meet. Which means my pants are losing their front creases. Sadness. And my hair's like whoaaa. Puffball. Anyway. FUCK IT I LOOK POWERFUL.
I'm now listening to tomorrow's instructions for the stats lab, though I won't be there.

Thrilled and Bored

This is a strange day. It seems like after today literally everything exciting in the world happens, so I just have to get through school and then THINGS start to happen.
In weights I was able to read the entire AP Lit assignment that I forgot about last night, so that's good, and we finished ACT prep in Arts&Ideas. I'm actually kind of nervous. After all, this test determines whether I get into college or not.
Tonight I have an acting lesson with Julia at 5, and I'm considering asking her a bit about acting in college and professionally, just to see what she thinks. We're also going to coach my prose piece for the West meet this weekend.
Tomorrow night we have WHSFA districts for forensics, which means I get to leave physics early and Anna and I do our Playacting piece, hopefully well enough to advance to state.
Saturday is the West High meet, which Anna can't come to because of strings fest, so instead of Playacting I'm entered in my solo event, Oral Interp (OIL). This is the meet I won last year, so my fingers are crossed.
Sunday I hope to go riding, and then Monday I'm going to Bavaria, IL for a choral clinic with Concert Choir. Yay!

Tuesday In Review

Seeing as I liveblogged a bit this morning (sorry about that), I guess I won't go ALL THE WAY BACK in detail, but here's a snapshot of my day:
~wake up, eat breakfast, walk to school (it was snowing today and really pretty despite the chill)
~weight training (blogged about it already)
~arts and ideas (test today; I think I did quite well)
~contemp lit (free reading days are the best days<3)
~stats (blogged about it)
~lunch (ate with Anna [my bff] and chatted and then the boys came over)
~concert choir (CHOIR TEACHER RUINED MY GREAT DAY WITH HER FUCKING LECTURE ABOUT DISSING SHOW CHOIR FROM HERE ON THE DAY WAS CRAPPY)
~ap lit (lost a poetry contest to a close friend who basically tried to forfeit and then my entire class voted for her to win over me even though I actually tried; was kind of sad about that)
~physics (we started a lab which I actually paid attention to because the wifi stopped working in the school)
~theatre (blocked Fight B, Paul treated me like an SM [which annoyed me a little bc I SHOULD JUST BE THE FUCKING SM], ran beats 1-4)
~Teens Like Us (lgbtq+ support group) (okay tonight. the activity we did was about body image, and it was a hard thing for me to talk about, particularly in the headspace I'm in today, but I think overall it was good)
~walk home with Anna (shiver a lot.)
~do stuff, which tonight meant read through the first few beats of our show and try to memorize, and then RP a lot, as well as listen to my ex's ex complain, try to patch up a dispute between two friends, talk a friend through a major medical crisis, and think about all the homework I should be doing but am not

I'm tired as fuck but still RPing so I won't go to bed for another ten or fifteen minutes. I also kind of want to eat something, but then again it's fricken 11:20pm, I should just go to sleep.

So that was my day. Surprisingly good at first, ruined by choir, pretty much crap since then. Here's to hoping tomorrow won't suck.
Cheers.

Statistics Class

This is an excellent time for blogging because my maths teacher doesn't care if we're using electronic devices and I can easily listen with half an ear to her lectures and still do fine in the class. So hi. Welcome to your first day of me liveblogging my life. (No, iPod, not "love logging. Stupid autocorrect."
So here I am just eating a slightly bruised apple and thinking about my future while occasionally throwing out answers about t hypothesis testing.
I decided during third hour today that I'd really like to move to England. Partly because I could meet my friends (Alice and Abbi mostly, but also Gainish and Jake and all sorts), but partly because of the culture and history. And the accents. But really, it would be amazing to live overseas. Australia'd be amazing too.
I guess I'm just a little bored with my dreary snaining (combination snow/rain) Midwest. Fricken March.

Books

Remind me later to review "Water for Elephants" and "The Friendship Test" because I just finished the former an just started the latter and I love them both.

AVPM/S/SY and Working Out

First hour every day I have Weight Training. Two days a week I lift and two days a week I ride the stationary bicycle. It's been weirdly calming to have gym class first hour, despite hating how much I sweat. I don't have any friends in my class, so I'm not tempted to socialize instead of participating or anything, and it's such an individually defined class. I've never liked gym before; it's a weird feeling.
But I digress. This morning I'm listening to the A Very Potter Musical soundtrack in preparation for AVPSY coming out on YouTube Friday and thinking about just how much Team StarKid has affected me. I'm not going to get all fangirly here, but they're honestly such a big part of my life, and that's amazing.

Also my arms hurt. I increased weights or reps on all 8 of my exercises today, and then I got bored after I finished and went around to random machines and lifted until I couldn't anymore on the shoulder press and two different styles of leg press and the ab machine.

Promises I Might Not Keep

It's five til one in the early a.m. and I'm still online, having already shut off the computer and then rebooted it to create this space. I know in my headspace that I need to sleep more, but my heartspace is like 'need. more. interwebz' (my heartspace sounds like the littlest North kid in Yours, Mine, and Ours).
Anyway, I wasn't going to make any promises to blog x amount of oftenness, because I know I'll forget and then I'll just feel crappy, but here: I'm going to try (try! try!) to blog at least once a week, preferably twice. Probably not long, unless I'm stricken by the Muse, but I think it'll help me keep things sorted out in my headspace.

Doing It Right

Sometimes when it's 12:30am and I'm analyzing my life choices and trying to break my menthol addiction, a weird thought crosses my mind - "I wonder if I'm doing this right." Now, obviously this is ridiculous. First, from my new standpoint as a consumer of data (#statistics), I should define "it" more clearly. Secondly, from a normal person's mind, who decides what's right? If indeed my tired, cough drop deprived brain is referring to life in general as the "it" in that question, isn't it in the very nature of my human independence to be able to define my own success or failure however I want?
But lesbihonest, we both know that's not true. I'm only sixteen and eight twelfths, still legally owned by my parents, and they and other adults in my life are a huge influence on my definitions of success. For example, getting a 34 on the ACT next week? Success. Not completely a single statistics assignment this week? Failure. Winning my category in forensics on Saturday? Triumph. Skipping sixth hour to go to the bakery behind my high school? Not so much. You see what I mean? Those aren't standards I've set entirely for myself.
As I'm sitting here blogging way past when my head wants to be asleep, I wonder if I'm doing this right. Then I (or at the very least my addled, sleep-deprived brain) decided that I don't really care.

If that isn't empowerment, I don't know what is.